When My Testimony Hangs by a Thread

When my testimony of the Restored Gospel hangs on one principle or promise I find myself stuck in a pattern of sorrow and doubt. Last night we got together with a 3 other couples from our ward and went to a park. Marci gave a nice lesson from the Ensign about Special Experiences. It helped me remember all of the many small, yet significant experiences I've had that have collectively strengthened my testimony. There hasn't been one HUGE experience or event that gave me my testimony or sparked my conversion to the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. There have been times when I have been hung up on a promise, an event, or a principle of the Gospel. When this happens I can't seem to focus on anything else. There have been times when this has caused me to get depressed and seclude myself from others. I begin questioning everything else I thought I knew.

One time in particular that comes time is when I was trying to get pregnant. In 2005 I had been praying and felt that it was time to have another baby. We had not planned on having any more kids till TJ finished school in 2006. I didn't know how TJ would feel about me telling him I felt it was time to have more kids. I was also having other difficulties and feeling insecure about many things in my life. I didn't know how I could even consider having another child. I prayed about the fact that I didn't want to tell TJ about my feelings. I was told that Heavenly Father would handle it.

A few weeks later TJ and I were out on our weekly date. He noticed a baby at the store and said "Do you want to have another baby?" I was a little taken back, but said I did and relayed my experience to him. I really felt strongly about having another baby and knew there was a child waiting to come to our family. After talking together and going over the things in our lives we decided to hold off a little longer to have a baby. I think fear was our biggest feeling at this time. I know that it is impossible to have faith when you have fear (great talk on faith and fear). We decided to wait a few more months and see how things went.

When we finally decided to go ahead and try to get pregnant I was unable to get pregnant. Time after time, month after month I failed to get pregnant. It was a very trying time for me. I mostly kept my feelings to myself. I wondered why I couldn't get pregnant after the strong feelings I had that I was suppose to get pregnant and about this child that was to come to our family. I wondered if it was because of my hesitation and fear to have another child. Was I being punished for not having faith? Did I really experience what I thought I had experienced? I was becoming depressed and confused. Then other difficulties entered my life and it became harder and harder for me to want to have another baby. However, I kept having this nagging feeling that I needed to have another baby. After, a year and a half (which seemed like forever to me! I know other's suffer much longer with infertility) I was pregnant. The feelings of joy overwhelmed me as I began my journey of bringing another life into this world and into our family. I was extremely grateful for this experience of creating life. I felt ever more close to my Heavenly Father and I began to remember past experiences when I had felt him close to me and his great love for me. The thought "faith precedes the miracle" kept coming to my mind.

As I grew, then birthed my beautiful baby I was amazed by the experience. I continue to be amazed by the creation of human life. It is so simple, yet so miraculous. Fingers, toes, eyes, hands, ears, tongue, the amazing intricacies of the internal organs, the way that everything works together to sustain life. It's just amazing to me! The way that we start as little helpless babies and grow into adults, it's just remarkable. Being a mother has definitely strengthened my testimony of Heavenly Father and the plan of happiness.

In the April 2008 Ensign there is an article titled “The Joy of Nurturing Children.” It is a collection of experiences of people nurturing children in their lives. The last experience is titled The Plan I Didn’t Understand. It's a very beautiful story about a woman who is unable to get pregnant. She explains,

"My husband and I had been raised in large Latter-day Saint families, and we had looked forward to having a large family of our own. But when I did not become pregnant, our concern began to grow. I went to the doctor, and he told me I had a medical condition that often produced infertility in women. He said the probability of my getting pregnant would likely decrease further over the years. I went home in tears but clung desperately to a hope—a special promise given in my patriarchal blessing that I would give birth to and raise children. I remained optimistic."

Through the years they adopted many children. She explains how this one promise started to threaten her testimony of the gospel. The promise in her patriarchal blessing kept nagging at her in the back of her mind.

"I wondered: 'If I never have a biological child, will I still believe the Church is true? Does my entire testimony hang on the fulfillment of this one blessing?'

I struggled with these questions until I grew strong enough to say in my heart, “Even if the promise is never fulfilled in this life, the Church is still true. There are too many evidences of its truthfulness to deny it based on this one point.”

When I finally came to grips with this issue, my faith blossomed, and I was no longer nagged by the problem. It just didn’t matter."

When their youngest child was 5 she went to the dr with some health problems only to find out that she was pregnant. Her husband was shocked. He said

"When I told my husband, he grinned and said, “If you’re pregnant, I’m Zacharias, and we’ll name him John.” We both laughed. Seven months later “John” was born."

They went on to have another baby boy about a year later. The fulfillment of this promise strengthened her testimony. She explained how the real test of faith had come before her son was born. I really like this quote:

"My greatest test was when I had to look at the foundation of my testimony and decide if it rested solely on the fulfillment of a single promise."

When I have been faced with uncertainties in my belief and seemed to be overwhelmed by doubt, I look at the foundation of my faith and testimony. Why is it that I believed before I was faced with this challenge? What has happened in my life that brought me to the belief in the first place? When I review the events and experiences in my life that gave me faith, strengthened my testimony and are the foundation of my testimony, I remember why it is that I believe. It is the collection of small things that create my foundation. I have placed small stones into my foundation as I have gone through trials and have had promises fulfilled. I don't always believe, but I always have faith. When fear enters my life, I face that fear with faith and reflect on the times when my faith was the strongest. I am very grateful for the experiences that I have had that have brought me to a belief in God and the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ.