Change of Heart

I've been going through my journal looking for experiences and things I could share. I found an entry made on Nov 15, 2005 that I really liked. As a little background to my life and why I wrote about this, I have really struggled in my life with anger and how I express it. I always found myself getting upset over the stupidest things. I was getting angry at my kids and kept yelling. Growing up my dad yelled a lot. My mom and I have talked about how in our house whoever yelled the loudest had the most power. As a mother I think I felt out of control of my life and of my children. I felt that I couldn't make them do what I wanted. To try and take control I yelled, becoming a person whom I hated. This is no longer something I struggle with on a day to day basis.

Through my Savior and his redeeming power my habits and behavior, in regards to anger and the way I express it, have changed. I am able to respect and love my children for who they are and teach them rather than punish them for their behavior. I am by no means a perfect mother, I am still learning every day better ways of teaching my children, but I feel so much happier as a mother now.

At the time I was going through the book "He Did Deliver Me from Bondage" by Colleen Harrison. It suggests reading an Ensign article called "Born of God" by Ezra Taft Benson. It talks about changing and how it is impossible to truely change without Christ. It poses the question early in the article "Can human hearts be changed?" He states that they can and that this is one of the most widespread of "Christ's modern miracles". I never thought of "the mighty change of heart" to be a miracle, but it is in so many ways. I think it is, in a sense, like raising the dead. When we sin we are separated from God and that is a spiritual death. When we continue to sin our hearts become hardened and we are separated from God. Christ has made repentance possible through the atonement and when we repent and come unto Christ we are spiritually reborn and we are again able to be with God. What a miracle to take a fallen man in a sinful state and create within him a desire to repent and return to the presence of God. It truely is a miracle.
President Benson talks about Nicodemus and quotes President McKay saying "Christ called for 'an entire revolution' of Nicodemus's 'inner man'. His manner of thinking, feeling and acting with reference to spiritual things would have to undergo a fundamental and permanent change". President McKay was referring to the scripture in John 3:3. The Lord tells Nicodemus "except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." This is the type of change I want. I want to change my thinking, feeling, and acting. I guess rather I want to be able to allow my Savior to change my thinking, feeling, and acting. President Benson also says that God changes us from the inside out and the world changes people from the outside in. That God takes the slums out of the people and they take themselves out of the slums. This is so profound to me, it is so true. I heard once and wrote it in my scriptures some where by the scripture that talks about it, that the gift of the Holy Ghost makes you more beautiful. I remember wanting that type of beauty when I was taught this scripture at the age of 12-14 years old. I again desire this type of beauty, the type that comes from the inside out, the type that age doesn't degrade, but enhances, the type of beauty that no one can take away from me, the type that people know there is something different about me, they just can't explain it.
Mosiah 27:25-26 talks about being born of God. It says "And thus they become new creatures; and unless they do this, they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God." I love where it talks about becoming "new creatures." I can see how being born of God would make me into a "new creature." This statement was part of King Benjamin's speech to his people. Those who listened to him and had a "mighty change of heart" were said to have "no more desire to do evil, but to do good continually." (Mosiah 5:2) There have been so many times in my life where I have desired this type of mighty change. Where I would have no desire for something that brought sorrow and unhappiness in my life.
Another quote I love in this article is "Yes, Christ changes men and men can change the world." I add to this statement "Women". I see many great women of Christ who have made changes in our seemingly unchangeable world. Again it's one of Christ's modern miracles!
Human nature can change only through Christ; if we surrender to him. I pray that I will be able to surrender and submit to him.
Men who are changed by Christ are captained by Christ. Men who are captained by Christ are consumed by Christ. I love the thought of being consumed by Christ.
President Benson talks about those who are consumed by Christ. He describes my ideal in life, my fantasy. He says, "Enter their homes, and the pictures on their walls, the books on their shelves, the music in the air, their words, and acts reveal them as Christians. They stand as witnesses of God at all times, and in all things, and in all places. They have Christ on their minds, as they look unto Him on every thought. They have Christ in their hearts as they are placed on him forever. "