Change of Heart

I've been going through my journal looking for experiences and things I could share. I found an entry made on Nov 15, 2005 that I really liked. As a little background to my life and why I wrote about this, I have really struggled in my life with anger and how I express it. I always found myself getting upset over the stupidest things. I was getting angry at my kids and kept yelling. Growing up my dad yelled a lot. My mom and I have talked about how in our house whoever yelled the loudest had the most power. As a mother I think I felt out of control of my life and of my children. I felt that I couldn't make them do what I wanted. To try and take control I yelled, becoming a person whom I hated. This is no longer something I struggle with on a day to day basis.

Through my Savior and his redeeming power my habits and behavior, in regards to anger and the way I express it, have changed. I am able to respect and love my children for who they are and teach them rather than punish them for their behavior. I am by no means a perfect mother, I am still learning every day better ways of teaching my children, but I feel so much happier as a mother now.

At the time I was going through the book "He Did Deliver Me from Bondage" by Colleen Harrison. It suggests reading an Ensign article called "Born of God" by Ezra Taft Benson. It talks about changing and how it is impossible to truely change without Christ. It poses the question early in the article "Can human hearts be changed?" He states that they can and that this is one of the most widespread of "Christ's modern miracles". I never thought of "the mighty change of heart" to be a miracle, but it is in so many ways. I think it is, in a sense, like raising the dead. When we sin we are separated from God and that is a spiritual death. When we continue to sin our hearts become hardened and we are separated from God. Christ has made repentance possible through the atonement and when we repent and come unto Christ we are spiritually reborn and we are again able to be with God. What a miracle to take a fallen man in a sinful state and create within him a desire to repent and return to the presence of God. It truely is a miracle.
President Benson talks about Nicodemus and quotes President McKay saying "Christ called for 'an entire revolution' of Nicodemus's 'inner man'. His manner of thinking, feeling and acting with reference to spiritual things would have to undergo a fundamental and permanent change". President McKay was referring to the scripture in John 3:3. The Lord tells Nicodemus "except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." This is the type of change I want. I want to change my thinking, feeling, and acting. I guess rather I want to be able to allow my Savior to change my thinking, feeling, and acting. President Benson also says that God changes us from the inside out and the world changes people from the outside in. That God takes the slums out of the people and they take themselves out of the slums. This is so profound to me, it is so true. I heard once and wrote it in my scriptures some where by the scripture that talks about it, that the gift of the Holy Ghost makes you more beautiful. I remember wanting that type of beauty when I was taught this scripture at the age of 12-14 years old. I again desire this type of beauty, the type that comes from the inside out, the type that age doesn't degrade, but enhances, the type of beauty that no one can take away from me, the type that people know there is something different about me, they just can't explain it.
Mosiah 27:25-26 talks about being born of God. It says "And thus they become new creatures; and unless they do this, they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God." I love where it talks about becoming "new creatures." I can see how being born of God would make me into a "new creature." This statement was part of King Benjamin's speech to his people. Those who listened to him and had a "mighty change of heart" were said to have "no more desire to do evil, but to do good continually." (Mosiah 5:2) There have been so many times in my life where I have desired this type of mighty change. Where I would have no desire for something that brought sorrow and unhappiness in my life.
Another quote I love in this article is "Yes, Christ changes men and men can change the world." I add to this statement "Women". I see many great women of Christ who have made changes in our seemingly unchangeable world. Again it's one of Christ's modern miracles!
Human nature can change only through Christ; if we surrender to him. I pray that I will be able to surrender and submit to him.
Men who are changed by Christ are captained by Christ. Men who are captained by Christ are consumed by Christ. I love the thought of being consumed by Christ.
President Benson talks about those who are consumed by Christ. He describes my ideal in life, my fantasy. He says, "Enter their homes, and the pictures on their walls, the books on their shelves, the music in the air, their words, and acts reveal them as Christians. They stand as witnesses of God at all times, and in all things, and in all places. They have Christ on their minds, as they look unto Him on every thought. They have Christ in their hearts as they are placed on him forever. "

Special Witnesses

I was able to attend General Conference of the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter Day Saints yesterday. This is the first time I've ever been. I have always wanted to go, but never had the opportunity. It was a very amazing experience for me. I loved being in the presence of the General Authorities of the church, especially the Prophet. I considered how they have dedicated so much of their lives to our Heavenly Father and to the church. I admire them.

In the last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about Special Witnesses. The First Presidency (Prophet and his counselors) and the 12 Apostles are considered Special Witnesses. These men are called and set apart to be prophets, seers and revelators. They are called to be Special Witnesses of Jesus Christ. I thought about an experience I had a few years ago. I had been going through a particularly difficult time in my life. I was struggling with personal problems as well as problems in my marriage. I had gone to the Church Distribution Center and purchased some videos and books that I felt would help me. One of the things I purchased was the movie Special Witnesses of Jesus Christ. I watched this movie with my husband. During the movie I felt the spirit very strongly. I was filled with a spiritual witness that what I was watching and what these men were saying was true. The thought came to me that many of these men had actually seen Jesus Christ. I was trying not to cry. I hate crying in the presence of anyone (even my husband). I could not contain myself and had tears rolling down my face. After the movie I remember feeling like I was going to burst because I felt so filled with the spirit. Being able to experience this with my husband and at this time brought into my life an indescribable ability to move forward. This is an experience I am very grateful for. It has strengthened my testimony and faith.

James E. Faust is one of the brethren in this movie who bares his Special Witness that Jesus is the Christ. A few weeks ago President Faust passed away. It made me reflect on his testimony. I read a few articles and talks by him that contained his testimony. I came across this one that has been particularly inspiring to me. "Elder Faust reaffirmed the testimony he had borne of the Savior before that congregation. “The Doctrine and Covenants describes the spiritual gift of knowing, ‘by the Holy Ghost … that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world’ (D&C 42:15). I don’t claim to have understood fully all of the principles of the gospel—there’s much I still don’t understand. But I’ve always had a testimony. It’s been easy for me to believe. I don’t claim anything for myself; it is a gift. But I feel, with a deep sense of blessing, that I can say with the brother of Jared that I know, ‘nothing doubting.’" (“News of the Church,” Ensign, Nov 1978, 95–101, 110–12)

The brother of Jared was a man told of in the Book of Mormon. He was preparing a way to go across the ocean in some vessels that he and the other's he was with had built. The vessels were enclosed on the top so that they did not let water in. This made the inside very dark. Not wanting to cross the water in the dark the brother of Jared prayed and asked how they were suppose to light the vessels. The Lord asked him "What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels? For behold, ye cannot have windows, for they will be dashed in pieces; neither shall ye take fire with you, for ye shall not go by the light of fire." (Ether 2:23) The brother of Jared then went and made 16 stones that were "molten out of a rock...and they were white and clear, even as transparent glass". He then took them to the top of a mountain. He humbled himself and recognized the power of the Lord. After doing this he asked the Lord to touch the stones and make them "shine forth in the darkness" (Ether 3:4). He asked in faith. When the Lord stretched forth his hand and touched the stones, the brother of Jared saw the finger of the Lord. "And it came to pass that when the brother of Jared had said these words, behold, the Lord stretched forth his hand and touched the stones one by one with his finger. And the veil was taken from off the eyes of the brother of Jared, and he saw the finger of the Lord; and it was as the finger of a man, like unto flesh and blood; and the brother of Jared fell down before the Lord, for he was struck with fear." (Ether 3:6) The Lord asked the brother of Jared why he fell down. The brother of Jared explained that he had seen the Lord's finger and thought that he would smite him. The brother of Jared then asked the Lord if he would show his complete self to him. The Lord did so. The Lord explained that it was because of the brother of Jared's great faith that this could be done. Now the brother of Jared had a perfect knowledge of the Christ. He knew he was real because he had seen him. He also knew that he had the appearance of a man and that this would be the same appearance he would have when he became a man of flesh and blood.

President Faust said that "I can say with the brother of Jared that I know, ‘nothing doubting.’" Does this mean that President Faust had seen Christ, like the brother of Jared, in this life? I believe that it is entirely possible. I believe that many, if not all, of the Special Witnesses have had this type of witness.

I continue to treasure and be grateful for the amazing experience I had while I watched the movie Special Witnesses of Jesus Christ. The feeling I felt will be with me always and I hope to have more experiences like this. The experience of attending conference will also be something I will treasure. I had prayed for questions and concerns about things going on in my life. Answers to those prayers were given at the session of Conference I attended. For this I am deeply grateful. Heavenly Father does answer prayers.

Reward and Praise.....Bad?

As long as I've been a parent (probably before) I've never like rewarding kids for things. Rewards, especially things and food, always seemed so wrong to me. They always seemed like they were defeating the ultimate purpose of having a child WANT to do what it was that was being asked of him/her. It was more about wanting the thing or food than actually wanting to obey because it was the right thing to do. I have tried not using food as a reward. It is the thing I despise the most. I believe eating disorders are formed partly in using food as a reward.

I have occasionally used things as a reward for large tasks. Like making it a goal they could reach instead of a reward, but ultimately it was a reward. For example, to encourage (I use the word as though I was actually doing the *right* thing. I guess just what I thought was *right*) my 3 year old son (as he was close approaching 4) to use the bathroom instead of wearing diapers I told him if he went to the bathroom for 1 month (filled 2 potty charts with stickers) in the toilet then I would buy him a Nintendo DS. This was something he wanted really bad and I didn't want to just buy it for him because he wanted it. I wanted him to earn it in some way. At the time I thought that I could give him what he wanted, the DS, and get what I wanted, him to be potty trained. However, after earning the DS my son now 4 (and closely approaching 5) has continued to have accidents. Using the toilet is not something that is a priority to him, he doesn't care about it. He doesn't care if he has an accident. The accidents are becoming less and less, but he still continues to have them, even when he is close to a bathroom. The rewarding system, I feel, has failed my son. He learned that he could get what he wanted by complying temporarily to what I wanted him to do and then go back to doing whatever he wanted once he got his "reward". His DS has also been used as a discipline for not using the toilet as well. I have told him if he isn't going to use the toilet, the reason he got the DS in the first place, then he couldn't have the DS. But he still seems to feel indifferent to this fact and continues to have accidents.

Now the two (wetting his pants and how I rewarded him for being potty trained) may not be related. It could be some other type of behavioral or development or health problem. However, as I've observed my son and his other developmental and behavioral abilities I do not think this is the problem. I believe the outcome would have been different if a different method of behavioral acknowledgment would have been used. A different method was not known to me though. I had no other tools to use than a reward method. An alternate method was something I always desired, but hadn't found till now.

I have been attending a child/parent attachment class called "Wiggles N Giggles" sponsored by Family Center of Utah Valley. It is made up of 3 different classes. An instructional class (mostly for the parent), an arts and crafts class, and a action and movement class (play time with instructional help on how to do fun movement activities with your children). Last week in the instructional class the instructor spoke about rewards and praise and how they do not acknowledge the child as a whole person. They do not teach the child to self motivate or self praise. Rewards and praise teach the child to seek approval from outside sources. It can create a feeling within the child that they are not good enough yet. Praise creates a condescending relationship between the child and the praiser. The praiser can become somewhat scary to the child by imposing judgements on the child (whether good or bad). By using praise and rewards the child may lose respect for the rewarder. It is a form of control and manipulation and all people recoil from being controlled and manipulated. If the reward or praise stops coming the child feels inadequate. The child feels defeated when the reward or praise does not come as the child has been conditioned to expect. Manipulation is learned by the child through the use rewards and praise. Rewards and praise creates competition, jealousy, envy and mistrust between siblings. This is a quote from the handout that was given "Rewards work well for getting children to do something that they don't naturally want to do, for the short-term only. This immediate behavior change rewards us, and keeps us addicted to rewarding. The negative consequence of rewards and praise don't materialize later, so we fail to recognize rewards and praise as the culprit."

As I sat in this class I realized this is what I've always felt, but never had any other alternative. The instructor then presented the alternate. Acknowledgement and Appreciation is what I feel the best option to creating in children a sense of self motivation and self approval. They will grow up not needing any outside praise because they have learned how to praise and feel good about themselves. I absolutely love this concept! Instead of praising and rewarding we focus on the child and their own pleasure at achieving. Self-enjoyment provides the greatest motivation for perseverance and learning. In the handout it says to say things like "You look like you enjoyed that!" or "How did it feel to do that?", "I'm glad you did that, you look happy with yourself!". We are delighting in their enjoyment and their achievements along with them, we aren't trying to create the joy from the action. They already have the ability to do that, our job is to help them look within and find that satisfaction. Using words and phrases that encourage them to look within is how we teach this.

While practicing this form of behavioral acknowledgement it is important to help the child self-evaluate. Ask the child questions like "How do you like your drawing?", "Are you happy with the way that puzzle piece fits?". As I've reflected on the way I have wanted to parent my children I realize that this was a concept I did recognize earlier on. I remember a show on television where they were discussing paying children for good grades. I remember feeling that this was not the way I wanted to do things. Instead of paying them or doing nothing I remember thinking I would ask my child "How do you feel about the grades you got? Did you try your best? Do you think there is anything you could do differently next time?". These questions are all part of teaching the child to self-evaluate. Instead of saying "You got really good grades!" or "Your grades are good except this C, why did you get a C?" Or paying for and acknowledging good grades and punishing (not giving the reward) for the bad grades.

It is important to use "I" statements instead of labeling the child. Children value our appreciation when it is expressed in terms of our feelings. Instead of saying "You're a good singer" you could say "I love the way you sang that song". Focusing on our feelings about the behavior instead of using moral or quality oriented labels. When we use "I" statements it keeps us from holding a position over our child. Along with this it is important to comment on the behavior and not the person. Use specific details while describing what you liked about the behavior. In the handout they use the example of your child playing a new piece on the piano. Instead of saying "What a good player you are!" you could tell her how much you enjoyed the piece. It gives examples of details you could mention; the passion or emotion, the beautiful melody, how carefully she played, her sense of rhythm, etc.

The handout talks about ways we can tell if our positive comments are manipulative. It explains that the right thing for the wrong reason it ends up being the wrong thing. The problem is one of intent. We must become good at examining our own motives. We must practice, we must have the courage and humility to look within ourselves. We can ask ourselves these questions, "When giving a positive comment am I trying to seduce the child into pleasing me again? Into making me proud?" "Am I genuinely glad to see my child accomplish something that pleases my child?" The handout states: "Therein lies the paradox: that which is not intended to reinforce, but merely to 'connect', is the most reinforcing."

Praise is not totally out of the picture however. Praise is wonderful when it is not used to manipulate. Rewards should not be promised in advance to the behavior. There should be no guarantee of the reward every time the child does something *I* like. Spontaneous positive feedback is best for our relationship with our children, when it is not used as a ploy to get more of what *I* want from the child. The instructor talked about how telling your child if you do x for # times on this day I will give you y. The child is stressed about getting y that they do not perform x or anything else. She also mentioned how dangerous this is in a class or group setting. When it is in a group the child(ren) feel a lot of pressure to perform well, this creates stress and may cause the child to give up.

My favorite quote from the hand out is "Children can certainly be made to do what they don't want or love, by offering them approval, praise or other rewards. But this does not make them happy. Happiness can only be derived from doing what is intrinsically rewarding to us, and this does not require others' applause. Do we want kids to become reward-addicts, crowd-pleasers, and recognition-seekers, or do we want the to be self-motivated, faithful to themselves, and following their own interests? If the latter is true, then the way is not to praise them, but to appreciate them.

I definitely don't want my children to be people-pleasers. There are so many things wrong with that attribute. It is so self destructive. There are too many young girls (mostly, but boys too) who feel like they have to do what other people want them to do to feel good about themselves. Creating a sense within my children that they themselves are the only ones they need to please will help them through their lives in so many situations. I am now trying to help my children look within themselves and find what makes them happy and encourage them to self-praise and find delight in the things they enjoy doing. It is not easy, but I believe I now have the right intentions, with the right information, and I can now move forward with acknowledging and appreciating my children for who they are.


References - http://naturalchild.org/robin_grille/rewards_praise.html
http://educationworld.com/a_issues/chat/chat031.shtml
http://www.gnu.org/philosophy/motivation.html
http://alfiekohn.org/index.html
http://life.familyeducation.com/punishment/parenting/29460.html