Happy Birthday Audrey!

WOW, I can't believe it's been 8 years since I had my first child. Audrey turned 8 years old on Saturday. I remember the day she was born. It was a total surprise that we would be having our baby girl that day. I was only 36 weeks pregnant, not due until January 23rd, 2001. Two days after Christmas was my 36 week appointment. Apparently, my body decides to dialate REALLY early. I was 5cm dialated and 80% effaced. Not feeling anything at all. The dr was surprised that I wasn't feeling anything. With more information about birth and pregnancy now, I realize that I could have remained at 5cm and 80% for some time without actually being in labor. Although, I was having some contractions, that I didn't feel until after I was lying in bed at the hospital, they weren't regular or very strong.

I had been trying to get pregnant for almost a year when I found out I was pregnant with Audrey. My pregnancy was a bit rough. I had pretty bad morning sickness and at 16 weeks thought I had a miscarrage. I woke up with wet undwear and pajamas in the middle of the night. It was dark, I went to the bathroom and when I sat down I saw that my underwear was wet with something dark, I turned the bathroom light on and it was covered in blood. It scared me so bad! I woke TJ up. I had to pee so I sat on the toilet. When I did, a large piece of bloody flesh came out and fell into the toilet. I thought it was my baby. TJ got it out of the toilet and put it into a container. I called my mom and we headed to the hospital. In the emergency room they told me to go up to labor and delivery since I was so far along. They said the thing that came out was a piece of my endometrium. They tried to find the baby's heart beat with the doppler. They couldn't find it. We were so worried. I was so mad at the nurse that was with us. She kept saying how hard this must be for us, that she was so sorry we had lost our baby. She was so negative, without any proof that we had actually lost our baby. They did an ultrasound and there she was just kicking away! It was so amazing to see the baby. Unfortunately we don't have pictures from that ultrasound, the printer didn't work. The dr figured that the placenta had moved and pulled off a piece of endometrium (the lining of the uterus) and it came out.

The day after Audrey was born.

The day we went home (not quite 24 hours since I had her). She was so tiny her clothes and the car seat were too big!


Funny way to sleep.






Audrey was born at 6:39 on Dec 27, 2000. I didn't have to push very long. I didn't get to hold her right away, I think it was because she was early. After they monitored and cleaned her up I got to hold her for a bit. She wasn't breathing very regularly so they wanted to get her down to the nursery. TJ video taped her in there, she was screaming almost the entire time. It makes me so sad to see the video now. I just want to hold her and let her know that everything was ok and that she was safe.



Audrey has chosen to be baptized a member of The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints.

I am so happy with all the wonderful things Audrey is doing in her life. She loves school and is doing well at school. She is taking piano lessons and her piano teacher said she is lucky have Audrey as her piano student. Audrey loves to draw and is creating a comic book with her best friend Aiton. She is a fun older sister of two roudy brothers. Audrey loves horses and when she was 3 her Granddad Riley bought her a pony. Audrey has a tender heart and is kind and helpful to others. Audrey told me that she'd like to be a vet when she grows up because she loves animals so much.

I can't believe how fast 8 years has gone. The next 8 will probably go faster! Before I know it, she will be all grown up with a family of her own. She is amazing and I am so happy to have her in my life and to share my life and knowledge with her. Although, she has taught me so much in the short time she's been in my life. I am a better person for having her as a daughter. She has an amazing spirit and anyone who knows Audrey can feel of this special spirit she has.

Christmas Wish List

Around this time of year, people ask what I want for Christmas. So I'm going to make it easy. I'm going to list some things I like and wouldn't mind receiving as a gift.
First, my rubber spatulas broke this year. Pretty much every last one of them. I love to cook and use these all the time! I would like a spoonula (term coined by Rachel Ray). Here's some really pretty green ones:By the way, I really like green. Now, these don't have to be green, they can be white. What makes these rubber spatulas special is that they are a scoop shape. Hence the term, spoonula. If you click on the image you can see them on Amazon.com

Bath and Body Works. You could go to this place and buy me pretty much anything and I'd love it. My favorite scents include:
Japanese Cherry Blossom
Sensual Amber
Midnight Pomegranate
Velvet Tuberose

I prefer body splashes and perfumes to lotions. I also like the body washes.

Recently I lost a bunch of weight and now I need new clothes. I'm pretty picky about clothes and I don't really know what size I am (or will be when I'm done with my round of HCG). If you want to help me out with getting new clothes it's probably best to get me a gift card. I love Kohls, but they are expensive and I can't get very much there. Target is a great place to shop for clothes. They are affordable and super cute and trendy. If you insist on getting me some article of clothing I am wearing a size 12 in pants (or medium-large in pajama pants, although I'd really like some cute nightgowns.) right now, but they are starting to get a bit big on me. Medium shirts are fitting well.

I love religion books. Anything by C.S. Lewis (I'd really like to read the Screwtape Letters, but don't have it). I'm mostly interested in books that talk about specific doctrines. I do have a small wish list at Amazon.com.

Or Deseret Book is a great place to shop for me as well. Here is a list of books I'd like:
Inspiring Experiences that Build Faith by President Thomas S. Monson *
Hearing the Voice of the Lord by Gerald N. Lund
Press On: Messages of Faith, Hope, and Charity by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
What's on the Other Side? by Brent L. Top*
A Constant Companion: Keeping the Spirit With You by Jack R. Christianson
Holding Fast by Robert Millet
Eloquent Witness by Hugh Nibley *
When You Can't do it Alone by Brent L. Top
Mormon Scientist: The Amazing Story of the Life and Faith of Henry Eyering (both DVD and book)
Building Forever: Making your marriage more fulfilling one day at a time. CD
He Hears You by Mary June Woodger

*I want the most.

Well, I hope that gives you a good idea of what I'd like for Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Praying for Experiences to Build Faith

This experience was recorded in my personal journal. I've updated the language to reflect the past tense of the experience.

In September of 2006 I was struggling with many things in my life. Because of the struggles I was having I wanted to have a more solid witness that the gospel was true and that God existed. I began praying for experiences that would help to increase my faith and strengthen my testimony. When I would pray for these things I felt that I should go to the temple. I also thought about my uncle Jim (who committed suicide in Aug of 2006). I decided to go to the temple with some sisters in my ward. We went early one Saturday morning. We dressed and went into the chapel. Usually there is someone playing the organ in there. When we came in there wasn't anyone playing. Shortly after we had sat down, a sister came in with a binder, sat at the organ and began to play. The song she began to play was "Lead Kindly Light", the song my sister and I sang at the funeral of my uncle. The experience of singing this song was a special spiritual witness to me. When I heard the song I began to cry a little bit as I felt the spirit testify to me that God had heard my prayers. I thought about how small of an experience it was and I started yearning for something more. The words of one of my favorite songs came to my mind "...I don't need a wondrous sign to know you are divine..." I realized that no matter how small it seemed, it was still a confirmation of God's existence and his love for me.

The next day when I walked into sacrament meeting the sister at the organ was in the middle of playing a song, she finished and began playing "Lead Kindly Light". Again I felt God letting me know he is there and that he knows of my prayer and my desires. He is listening.

On the way to my mother-in-laws home for family home evening "Lead Kindly Light" was on the radio. I again felt the spirit.

I know God is there. I know he loves me by the tender and caring way he leads me and takes care of me. He knows what I need and he knows the best way to give it to me. He does it in the most loving and gentle way.

Deserving of Personal Revelation

I read a blog post this morning that made me think again about something I have been pondering for a long time. I believe we are all deserving of personal revelation. I have heard of people in the depths of sin who, for a moment, humble themselves before God and receive personal revelation. They did not have to become perfect before God spoke to them. Personal revelation comes in many forms. I believe God speaks our language and not just linguistically, but our language of receiving the spirit. I do not believe there is one way that God communicates. Many have said that emotions are the language of the spirit. Do all those who have not learned to communicate with emotion miss out on personal revelation? Would God really not speak to them? God knows us and knows the best way for us to receive his love and communication.

There have been times in my life I have felt emotionally and physically the promptings of the spirit. I have received personal revelation with my eyes and with my heart. God knew what I needed and would accept at that time that he gave me the revelation. It wasn't meant for anyone else, it was meant for me. Sometimes I forget how I felt, what I thought, the pure knowledge that was pouring into my mind, things I've read, and the many other ways I have received personal revelation. Writing these experiences in my journal has helped me to remember. By writing my experiences down I show God that I treasure the gifts of personal revelation I have received. I can go back and read those experiences and in some way experience them all over again.

I heard someone say once "we receive inspiration when we are in spirit". Inspiration means in spirit. I believe our spirit communicates to us. If we are disconnected from our spirit or have ignored so much of what it tries to communicate to us, we tune out or cannot receive the communication. In the blog post I read this morning, he says "Because I felt spiritually separated I turned my search into a purely intellectual pursuit." We cannot look for that which is spiritual only in intellectual things. We may receive pure knowledge flowing in to us as an answer to a question or as God gently teaches or leads us, but we cannot look for that which is spiritual only in intellectual things. Opening up all of our senses allows us to be ready for personal revelation. I believe that is one part of being humble. It is opening up ourselves, our whole selves, to receive. If we ignore or invalidate one part of ourselves we are less likely to be able to receive.

In school we wouldn't just take the tests and not do the homework. If we did we would missing out on the real learning and information. We wouldn't just do the homework, yet not attend the class. I believe we miss out on so much information if we are closed to one way or another of receiving information. There is truth everywhere. We just need to be open to it and be willing to receive.

Is being willing to receive saying "God I want to know, but only if you tell me by showing me an angel"? Now, I believe any one can receive answers or revelation through an angel. However, if we tell God that is the ONLY way we will receive the answer we are not really willing to receive. He may be totally willing to send us an angel in answer to our prayer, but if we are not humble (opening our whole selves up to receive) we are not really ready to receive the answer.

I have heard people talk about the greatness of the Prophet Joseph Smith. He is great, I agree. He endured many things I probably could not have. Yet, we glorify him. He was just a man. He was not a God. The glory goes to God. It was his faith in God that allowed him to endure. We are human, just as the Prophet Joseph Smith. He receive many great revelations. Some personal, but most globally for the membership of the church. When he saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ he was not asking what direction a group of people should take. He was asking for personal revelation. "What church should *I* join?", he asked. It wasn't revelation for his family he was seeking, it was for him. I believe God is willing to give us just as great and spectacular personal revelations as the Prophet Joseph Smith received.

I have great faith that I am worthy and deserving of personal revelation. I believe that if I allow God to give personal revelation to me and I open my whole self up to those revelations I can receive many great things. I am willing to receive in any way that he will give to me. Small and simple things are just as profound and life changing as the great and spectacular. I have an experience with personal revelation I will share in another post. This experience taught me that personal revelation doesn't need to be great and spectacular, that small and simple things are sometimes best and just as fabulous as receiving an angel or seeing the face of God.